Catharsis
As painful as Thursday (and the early morning Friday confrontation) was, I feel a great sense of relief right now. No more wondering what he means by stuff like "This is my confirmation period" and "If it's meant to be it will be and I'll be with you forever." I made him sit down and listen to how I've felt since he left and the thoughts that I've had. I don't know if he really heard me (somehow I doubt he did since he quit hearing me over a year ago), but for my sake of mind, I had to tell him.
Steven did say one thing, though, that shows me how little he really understands me. He told me that I am unwilling to give him the time he needs to make his decision (to be or not to be with me, if you'll pardon the lame Shakespearian pun). This is just not true. I would have been happy to give him time, but him sleeping with another person changes everything.
As I said before, he's the only man I've ever been with. Sex is important to me and the fact that he's already banging someone else is something that I will never be able to forget (I actually told Christine this when we went out to dinner a few weeks ago).
Actually, I may have been able to forget it and let it go, but since it took place in the bed that we bought together (I still remember how excited I was that we were looking at furniture together. How special and loved I felt that he actually cared about how I liked the matress), I will never be able to forget that. Maybe I should be able to, but I don't think I can. With that, he burned any bridge that he may have had with me.
So, I slept for about fifteen hours Friday and went out to the local country and western club were I saw a lot of new and old friends. I danced with four or five incredible dancers plus some not-so-good ones, but I had a pretty damn good time and I feel a lot better. I've got a date tonight, so I guess I should go get some sleep.
As always, I want to thank everyone on here for their continued support. Maybe it's sad that it's taken me this long to really put Steven behind me, but part of what makes me who I am is the way that I love someone - completely, fiercely, and with all my heart and soul. I wouldn't be the person that I am if I didn't and I know that being that way makes me hang on for longer than I should. Some times, though, you just have to be who you are and handle it as you can.
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Been there, sweetie. It takes time - but it will pass. And honestly - you will be so much stronger and self-reliant in the end.
Of course, taking all his things and having a bonfire in the driveway helps, too. :-)
Posted by erika at February 7, 2004 06:24 AM
Don't get too down on yourself. When my college boyfriend dumped me it took me over a year to get right in the head over it. I think you're doing remarkably well.
Posted by mac at February 7, 2004 06:47 AM
There is no set limit of when to get over someone or move on. For us that care about you we hope it's sooner, but only know that sometimes it can be much later. I'm glad you are going out and mingling, that is the key to not letting him win.
Posted by Susan at February 7, 2004 08:47 AM
It takes a while to heal from most relationships. It's just that most people don't do it. I'm so impressed with the way you've picked up the pieces of your life.
Posted by Lisa at February 7, 2004 12:27 PM
WTF!! What the hell did I miss?! You me and few adult beverages SOON!
Posted by robin at February 7, 2004 07:59 PM
I was married once before Mike. Dumbfuck was screwing around on me, and wanted to dump me for his bimbo...and he told me RIGHT BEFORE I HAD TO GO TO WORK.
Yeah, by this time, I was glad to see the asshole go. I got to keep the apartment and the cts, which was all i really cared about by then.
But I am living proof that life offers second chances. I met Mike at a tme when I wasn't looking for anyone, and it worked out.
Don't do anything to force it. When The Man Who Is Worthy Of Kymberlie comes along, you will know it.
And a lucky man he will be, too!
Posted by Christine at February 8, 2004 02:01 AM
I'll be honest, I've never actually had a significant other, so I can't really relate to what you are going through. Seriously, I don't think it's sad that it's taking you a long period of time to get over this Steven. This just shows that you have a large, stronge and passionate heart, which is always a good quality to have. I'm sorry that all this emotional pain is happening to you.
Posted by Jessica at February 8, 2004 07:55 PM
You will be not only stronger through this growth period, but you are now wiser and more mature. It's a hard thing to go through, but you know I have been there as well.
Holler if you need me, you know I am there for you.
Posted by Tyscko at February 9, 2004 12:27 PM
Wow! I don't check in in a few days and so much happens! First of all, I wanted to congratulate you Kymberlie for finding the strength. Secondly, you are a beautiful, intellegent woman who deserves more than Steve could ever offer... I know I've repeated what most everyone else has said but it's so true. I wish you the best!! 
Posted by cybertoad at February 9, 2004 01:10 PM
Wait, there was a confrontation?!?? And you didn't call me??? I was just thinking this morning that it has been *WAY* too long since I heard from you - you need to keep me posted on these things! Geepers!
That said, you warned him that you couldn't handle it if he slept with someone. He promised he wouldn't - and it's yet another promise on a long string that he has broken. I've been amazed by your strength through all of this, and I promise - there will be better things in your future. I am positive of that.
He's a jackmonkey. Fucker.
Posted by Christine at February 9, 2004 04:42 PM
Been there. It's taken me over a year from a similar situation. Just keep moving forward, it's the only sensible thing to do. Oh, yeah, I like the bonfire idea too. ;-)
Posted by Ghosty at February 10, 2004 08:04 PM
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Finite
It is over.
Tonight I went over and confronted Steven after three months of him dodging the question of why we broke up and if we have a chance of maybe working something out. Since he's already fucking someone else, the answer to that is a resounding no. Believe it or not, in my whole life, he's the only person that I've ever slept with and this, on top of his betrayal of ending our six year relationship without even attempting to fix things, is the end of anything that we could have salvaged from it.
I liked him very much and I loved him very much and when he told me at Christmas time that the more people he met, the more he could see we had in common and the more he realized how much he loved me and missed me, I had such strong hopes that we would be able to fix whatever it was that was wrong with us. Apparently, though, most of that was just drunken ramblings, so I shouldn't have taken it to heart. But you know what? After six years of waiting to hear all of that, that's exactly what I did. I knew that we were going to get back together again and that we could fix things. However, since Steven doesn't want to even give this a chance, I guess I was just an idiot. I'm beginning to think, though, that the whole time I was with him I was an idiot. He's shallow and not very good at being there for someone, so why the fuck would I want to be with him anyway?
I can - and will - do so much better than him. I hope some day he realizes there's more to a person than how they look. And I hope then he truly realizes what he threw away.
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This man may never realize what an idiot he is.
But I am impressed you know how valuable, how amazing you are.
I don't know you, but I like your writing and you blog. I wish you healing and happiness.
Posted by jaye at February 6, 2004 04:46 AM
Sorry girl but you are right. You are much better and more deserving than anything he may have offered. **hugs**
Posted by kat at February 6, 2004 04:58 AM
Guys are dogs. We don't mean to be, we just can't help it. When he said he realized what he missed, he probably meant it. Either that or wanted to get some.
Regardless, our moods change daily. You need to trap a guy quick. If it goes more than a few years without a ring, hang it up. It doesn't matter HOW good things are going.
We'll trick you into staying around.
Posted by Geoffrey at February 6, 2004 06:08 AM
Don't hate the time you spent together.. it will only make you bitter and not able to get over this. Think of it as a learning experience or just a period in your life. And as hard as it is, just try like hell to keep busy and meet more people and get out there. It will really help! ::hugs::
Posted by Adelle at February 6, 2004 07:40 AM
Time to enter that open door of opportunity and find the "real" love of your life...the one that will love you as much as you love him.
Posted by daisy at February 6, 2004 07:55 AM
In the garden of life, sometimes we run into a thorn bush. The wounds heal and we're right back running through the garden again...
Posted by nastybastard at February 6, 2004 10:41 AM
being ditched, dismissed, under appreciated, and basically discard... sucks raw eggs! but you are so much more than all that and truly it's his loss... I almost feel more sad for hiom losing you and choosing such scadness for his own life, while you have ample opportunity to only improve yours and look forward to better things to come!
Posted by amancay at February 6, 2004 01:35 PM
Kimberly, just keep repeating that last paragraph over and over when times are especially tough. It's absolutely true.
Posted by Natalie at February 6, 2004 05:00 PM
ditto what Natalie said. you tried your hardest at improving yourself and Steven did squat - major hint: he kept avoiding the answer as to why you guys separated in the first place. you are already a better person for setting goals for yourself. i feel bad that it didn't turn out the way you'd hope but in the long run, it's for the best. you do not deserve someone like that. but like Adelle said, treat the time you spent with Steven as a learning experience. now you know what you can avoid.
Posted by kathy at February 6, 2004 05:20 PM
I'm so sorry :(
I hope you realize what a lot us already know, that you are a great person. Your beauitful, talented, and best of all...
You got all of us that just adore you! So here's to hoping you many better days, with someone who "really" cares about ya darling!
Posted by Taylor at February 6, 2004 10:12 PM
You are not the idiot. He is.
And what? There's more to a person than how they look?
You are a beautiful, bright, strong woman.
And you will be just fine... no, better than fine without him.
*hugs*
Posted by Christine at February 6, 2004 10:32 PM
While it isn't what you hoped for, I hope this gives you the closure you needed to move on. You're a wonderful, intelligent, beautiful person, and I've no doubt you'll get past this chapter in your life and one day cross paths with someone who can love and appreciate you as much as you deserve. *hug*
Posted by D at February 7, 2004 02:23 AM
Having a nice car will only get you so far when you're so shallow - he's an ass and I still want to kick him in the shins. HARD. Bastard.
He sucks on so many levels it's just sad.
Meanwhile, you were *NOT* an idiot for believing him. You had every reason to believe him - but his behavior within a few weeks of that just turned freakish and weird. May he end up with a skinny twig woman that gains 300 pounds after he marries her. Bastard.
Posted by Christine at February 9, 2004 04:51 PM
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Serious Moonlight
Listening to the WinAmp on random (as always) and David Bowie's "Let's Dance," one of my favorites, came on. The phrase "serious moonlight" that's used a few times in the song is just such an evocative image to me. Isn't it a great turn of phrase?
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I've always loved the way that David Bowie could turn a phrase... though Serious Moonlight definitely ranks in the top 5.
Posted by amber at February 5, 2004 02:45 PM
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Discovery
So, as you all probably know by now, I've lost about forty pounds since last year. While going through some old pictures I found, I came across one of me getting ready to go to my senior prom (scanned and shared for your pleasure). I figured my prom dress was still around, so I went and looked in my old closet and, sure enough, there it was. You know what's a nice feeling? Fitting into your prom dress ten years later.
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Now that is just too cool!
Posted by daisy at February 4, 2004 03:56 PM
You Look Good! 
Posted by Terry at February 4, 2004 06:54 PM
Congrats! That's really impressive.
Posted by Lisa at February 4, 2004 10:22 PM
That's great. Now if only I could fit into my prom dress...
Posted by nastybastard at February 5, 2004 09:58 AM
I'm happy to fit into clothes 10 days later. My weight moves up and down by 15 pounds monthly.
Posted by Geoffrey at February 5, 2004 12:55 PM
Wow. Now that's something. I couldn't fit into my dress 3 months after prom!
Posted by Rayne at February 5, 2004 01:47 PM
I still have my prom dress, but I'd never want to fit into it again. I'm currently about 140 lbs and a size 8. Then I was 105 and a size 2. Not a chance.
Posted by emily at February 5, 2004 03:48 PM
screw the prom dress - i say you start doing your hair like that again!
Congrats on the weight loss...
Posted by mikey at February 5, 2004 08:56 PM
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Winner!
I just got done with a ten player $11 poker tournament that I somehow managed to come back and get first place for $50. It got down to me and one really erratic player which kind of bothered me since I was having problems putting him on hands.
On one hand I got pocket kings, so I didn't raise before the flop hoping instead to trap him and double up. The flop came jack, eight, nine rainbow so when he bet I raised him hoping he didn't have the straight. He reraised me all in and turned his cards to show a ten-five offsuit. The turn came a queen, giving him the nut straight (that's the problem with slow-playing; sometimes it can really hurt you). I realized, though, that if one of the remaining tens were to hit, I would have the straight to the king, beating him. Sure enough, the river was a ten, doubling me up and putting me back in the tournament.
I had a few more lucky hands and then, on the last hand of the tournament, I played king-eight suited in the small blind. He reraised, but since he was almost all in, I figured I might as well see the flop. The flop came five, two, and eight, giving me the top pair. He bet and I raised him all in. I then caught an eight on the turn, giving me the winner.
Bet that guy was pissed that I came back and won it. Just goes to show why they say all you need is a chip and a chair to win.
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Give Me a T-H-E-M-E!
If I was to do the winter Burn It (my seasonal CD swap. You can view all related entries, including rules and such, here) in the next few weeks, what would be a good theme? Last spring was driving music, summer was "hot" music (sexy music, basically), and fall was Free For All Fall where there was no theme (and those that were in my group, I still need to mail your CDs out; I know, I suck). What's a good winter one? I had envisioned doing a kind of melancholy mix, but I'm just not in the mood for it. So, come on and give me some good ideas! (Btw, it doesn't necessarily have to relate to winter, but it can.)
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how about a move your a$$ theme? No really, something that makes you want to get up, dance and sing really loud. ?
Posted by liz at February 3, 2004 08:01 AM
i think another "hot" theme ... but more like a "thaw" theme. something that will "thaw your ass". hehe.
or maybe "seasonal affective disorder (SAD) mix". kinda like your "melancholy" mix, songs that you listen to when you're blue.
Posted by tj at February 3, 2004 09:47 AM
Maybe you could make it a sad/SAD theme, then people could interpret it as they wanted - songs that they listen to when they're sad, songs that make them sad, songs that chase sadness away...
Posted by srah at February 3, 2004 12:08 PM
How about a soundtrack theme? Like your favorite songs from movie soundtracks?
Whatever theme you decide on, put me in a group that actually sends out CD's. ;)
Posted by nastybastard at February 3, 2004 12:35 PM
I like the move your a$$ theme. :)
Count me in!
Posted by Kara at February 3, 2004 01:11 PM
I was just about to make a Soundtrack mix...another great idea someone suggested to me was a mix of only track 5s from different albums.
Posted by Andrea at February 3, 2004 04:28 PM
I've done a mix of songs with colors in the titles (nothing about "blues" - that's cheating) and another mix of songs with people's names in the titles. But for winter, I think a slow, sit-in-front-of-the-fire-and-drink-wine mix would be nice.
Posted by Empress at February 4, 2004 01:39 AM
Winter sucks ass around here, so how about an *upbeat* theme? I guess the *Move your a$$* idea would be along the same lines!
Posted by Christine at February 4, 2004 02:31 AM
"Favorite Soundtrack songs"
"Favorite sad songs"
"Driving Music"
And this is one I have been working on for a while. "Your own personal soundtrack"
You can only put songs it on that describe you. What "you" feel. What beliefs "you" have. They have to be songs where you say to other people "That is MY song!".
Posted by Taylor at February 5, 2004 03:20 PM
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E-Mail Bests
Eatmail put together a top ten list of some of the most widely e-mailed video clips of 2003. A few of them were only mildly entertaining, but the top three were the best, especially the "BJ - Priceless" one.
(Link courtesy of Darren.)
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Whisper in My Ear
My date last night with D's friend was wonderful. We went to dinner, played pool for a couple of hours, and then sat and talked for another hour or so.
There was only one problem: Sometime between Friday evening and Saturday morning I lost my voice. I can barely speak above a whisper, though occasionally I can get back to the sexy scotch and cigarette voice for a sentence or two. One of the managers where we ate last night (really nice lady that I see all the time) actually brought me a little bowl of hot honey with lemon and lime in it when she heard me talk.
My date was a really good sport about it (I even brought a notepad and a pen in case it was too hard to hear me) and we both enjoyed ourselves despite my being so hoarse. Hopefully by the time he calls back this week, I'll actually be able to talk to him.
I was going to head out today for a Super Bowl thing, but decided to stay home in hopes that no talking and no drinking would give my throat a rest. Let's hope that my voice comes back soon or I know of at least one date that I'll have to cancel!
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Hooray... I'm so happy you had a nice time! I hope your voice finds its way back to you. Have a great week! :D
Posted by D at February 1, 2004 10:00 PM
WOO HOO!! Go you, I'm glad you had a great time out on the town ;)
Hopefully your voice will come back soon
Posted by robin at February 2, 2004 01:13 PM
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