Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Pilates

I was over at Put Down the Donut since I've decided the time to make excuses about my weight is over. Was I happy being fat? Hell, no. Did it suck when I couldn't fit into my shorts or jeans any more? Hell, yes. Can I lose the fifteen or twenty pounds I need to? Fuck yeah.

Anyway, while surfing along, I found Joelle's post about Winsor Pilates. We all know what a hottie she is and how much weight she's lost, so she obviously knows what she's talking about.

The whole point to this rambling is that I decided to get the four DVDs she mentioned plus two special ones for abs, butt, and thighs (my particular bad spots for sure). They're only about twenty minutes (what I used to do on the StairMaster that is now Steven's alone *sigh*), but I think these ought to be some intense workouts. It's supposed to come with a little diet plan thing too, so we'll see what it has to say.

I'll post initial thoughts and progress after they come in. It said two to three weeks for delivery, but I hope that's a high estimate. It's only six DVDs for Pete's sake. Hurry up and get here, DVDs!

.: 209 words at 01:46 PM in Fish Tales, ";print substr($entry_cats, 0, -2); ?> :: Link :: Pings (0) :: All the Voices Say... (16) :.

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Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Diet Lemonade

So, to start off my no Coke challenge, I stopped at Chick-fil-A this morning and got a diet lemonade to drink. Man, this stuff is good!

It's got more calories than a diet Coke, but it's still a lot less than I normally have. Instead of having the 256 calories from a large Coke, I'm only having 50 calories from the same size diet lemonade.

Got to start somewhere, right? I wonder if they sell this stuff by the gallon like they do their regular lemonade.

.: 86 words at 10:14 AM in Daily Ramblings, ";print substr($entry_cats, 0, -2); ?> :: Link :: Pings (0) :: All the Voices Say... (11) :.

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A Challenge

They say (who ever it is that they are, anyway) that when you're going through a rough time, the best thing to do is stay busy. My brother, going through some rough stuff this year himself, also says that this is the time to improve stuff about yourself that you don't like. I'm already part of the way there on my weight (I now weigh less than I have all year long), so I figured what the hell. I think that I am going to try and kick my coke habit.

Before you freak out and go, "I didn't even know she had a drug problem," let me clarify - my Coca-Cola habit. I've been addicted to the stuff since I was a kid and I've always known it's bad for me (hell, there's probably a reason that I had kidney stones at the tender age of twenty-two) so fuck it - I'm going to stop drinking them. I think with the way that my appetite has been nil in the last week, I can really make some changes here and make them a lot easier than I could have when I was eating nothing but fast food and drinking six cokes a day. I always told Steven that I needed something to get past the hump and really lose weight. Shame the hump had to be getting dumped, but you've got to play with what you've been dealt.

From now on it's water. Oh, and stomach crunches. The belly's gone way down, so now it's time to tighten. If I'm going to be dumped, I may as well be a hot dumpee. Got to have something to concentrate on, right?

Then, since Eka's so in love with the South Beach Diet, maybe I'll try and start eating some of the food's she's always raving about. At the very least, I'm going to take my mother's advice and eat smaller portions of things (once I start eating again, of course).

Here's to the new me! Bring it on, life! I'm ready to kick ass and move forward.

.: 348 words at 02:01 AM in Fish Tales, ";print substr($entry_cats, 0, -2); ?> :: Link :: Pings (0) :: All the Voices Say... (9) :.

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Sunday, November 23, 2003

Thinking

I've been thinking about Steven and I and our relationship a lot over the last few days. I took a couple of days to really consider something that I had been asked, "Is it him you miss or the safety of the relationship?"

It is Steven I miss, not just the comfort of having someone. I miss how he laughs (he always said he had a stupid laugh, but I always found it endearing) and how when I would rub his shoulders he'd make these silly faces. I miss how he would balance the cat on one hand to make me laugh. I miss how we could talk poker strategy for hours. I miss him calling me musker and holding the side of my face so I could make shark biting motions at him. I miss how if he started drinking before me, I could make him blush by smelling his breath for alcohol. I miss how sensitive his ears are and being able to put him into a paroxysm of giggles by talking near them. I miss all this and more. I miss him.

I like how, while we have a lot in common, we have other interests outside of each other. He could watch golf for hours in the living room while I played on the computer. I would read while he watched tv. We don't agree on a lot of political issues (I'm liberal, he's conservative), but I always thought that the fact that we were different made us more balanced.

For a while I've been just kind of going along - stagnating. I operated under that assumption that almost everyone makes - there will always be more time. More time to fix what's wrong. More time to make sure that everything was okay. I knew he was frustrated by my slovenliness, but I thought I would have time to make it right. I feel ashamed when I think about how I shirked all my responsibilities and just let Steven take care of it all. I used to help out some around the house (taking out the garbage, doing some of the dishes, etc.), but I haven't done that in a long time. I don't know why I thought it was okay to take him for granted like that.

Not that I'm saying that our break up is my fault completely - we both share in the blame here. Steven thinks that coming right out and saying something along the lines of "This is what I need to change or I don't think we can make it" is an ultimatum and if you have to give an ultimatum, then you're just changing the person and you're better off just finding someone else. I think that's not saying how you really feel and if you don't say it, it can't be fixed, dooming the relationship to failure.

I think that over the last year or so we lost each other. I was battling issues at work and sinking into a depression. He was overwhelmed with the amount of business that his own company had. We settled into a rut. We began to drift apart and lost sight of what was really important - each other. It's amazing how a break-up can give you such clarity - how I can now see what's important.

If I had my heart of heart's desires, it would be that, after we take a little time off from one another, we could sit down in January, talk a bit (and I mean really talk, not just hint around) about what we both need, and give this another try. Go out to dinner or dancing and rediscover each other.

Maybe it would work, maybe it wouldn't (though, of course, I hope it would), but I believe that six years worth of love and life together is far too precious to throw away without a second chance - a shot at redemption, if you will. No one is perfect, but when you love and, more importantly, like someone (Steven once told me that he liked me more than he thought he'd ever like a woman), that puts you ahead of the game. We all have problems and issues and having a foundation of love to try and repair them on is more than a lot of people can say. Love between two people - especially after the amount of time we've spent together - is very precious. It would be a sin to just let it die without trying to save it first.

I know that I had said that the worst part of our break-up was the slap in the face of taking my garage door openers and stuff like that, but after talking to Christine, I think what really is the worst part is that he gave up on not just me, but us. After six years, would a second chance be asking for too much?

I know that Steven said that "we've been working on this for years," but I haven't been, not really. I never realized how serious our problems were, something that I deeply regret now. I know that if we were to get back together without addressing these things, we would never be able to stay together. But, I think with a little work on both our parts, we could fix some of our problems and be happy together again.

.: 903 words at 02:10 AM in Fish Tales, ";print substr($entry_cats, 0, -2); ?> :: Link :: Pings (0) :: All the Voices Say... (15) :.

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