Neurotic Fishbowl: Alone

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Alone

Over the past year, this blog has really gotten away from the personal tell-all that it always has been. A lot of it had to do with all the crap I went through from the end of September to the beginning of December in 2003. I spilled my guts in here and after the post I made in February about my best friend deciding to have nothing to do with me, most of my posts have been chronicles of the places I go, all the free stuff I've gotten, my obsession with The El Orbits, and various links.

A lot of it is because I've begun to feel very isolated again. Despite going out all the time, I'm so very lonely deep in my heart. I've never really gotten over losing Jeanna, my best friend, and I think I haven't let any get as close to me as I used to after that. Add to the fact that my boyfriend of six years left me just a few months earlier and I swear, as melodramtic and pathetic as it sounds, that I just cannot see why people would even want to be around me.

Realistically, I know it's not true (the fact that Katie, Irfan, and Gil hang out with me constantly and Mac always wants to know when I'm coming back to Philly mean that at least some people enjoy my company), but deep in my heart I've really begun to believe it.

I haven't wanted to post this because things have gotten better. I've got a job that I really like (and, as I got told this week, I'm kicking serious ass at). I've started going out more and even have become a regular down at The Continental Club. I've made new friends. But I'm still lonely. I miss having someone to be close to, like I was with Jeanna.

I watched The Village again this weekend and the scene where Ivy is at her sister's wedding and walking through the crowd with her hand outstrected, trying to find her way, and Lucius takes it, tucking it under her arm so he can lead her, made my heart yearn and ache for that. I want someone to be there to take my hand again.

.: Posted February 27, 2005 02:39 AM in Fish Tales, ";print substr($entry_cats, 0, -2); ?> :.

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Comments

I'd love to hang out with you but the whole me living in Webster and you in Spring makes that a tad bit difficult, unfortunately. we definitely need to meet somewhere midway one night though and just chill. I haven't had much girl time lately and I'm totally craving it.

.: girl said on February 27, 2005 08:31 AM :: link it :.

You forgot about the constant open invitation at Chez Tremoulet. We both care about you. I keep trying to get you to come over (since December!) and you haven't yet. *sigh*

But I know that feeling that you're talking about. I hope you can find a way to heal it, and trust us. We do care about you, and I think I've been there for you every time you've needed me. (Well, except for when you call right when I'm eating. Just how do you manage that one so well?)

We've been through hell and back, more than once - and I'll be there for you again and again...

.: Christine said on February 27, 2005 11:43 AM :: link it :.

Oh, and just an annoying observation from the outside - something to think about - were you really as close to Jeanna as you think? I mean, it seemed like you guys were really close, but then drifted away and then ... bam. I know how much it hurt you, and I definitely agree that it would have hurt me too - but it seemed like she was holding out on you before that.

I hate to see you feel so broken over these events because both of them built walls around themselves and kept you out - not out of rejection, but out of their own personal issues. I know it doesn't feel that way on your end - oh, how I know. But she pushed you away because of *her* issues - not yours. (He did too.) You can not be faulted for that.

You're beutiful. You're wonderful. And gosh darnit, I like you.

.: Christine said on February 27, 2005 11:47 AM :: link it :.

Your a nice gal hope all is good soon for ya! Take it easy!

.: Terry said on February 27, 2005 01:49 PM :: link it :.

Chin up kiddo. It's not as bad as it seems.

.: nastybastard said on February 27, 2005 03:14 PM :: link it :.

I don't know what to say really, but I do think you're a very interesting and attractive woman. I'm glad that you found a job and are doing well there. I hope you can build your confidence back up.

.: Lisa said on February 27, 2005 07:17 PM :: link it :.

You know what? I lost my best friend and I still feel a whole in my heart, no matter how busy I am, no matter how many friends I have all around me... and I have wonderful, amazing friends that I call BEST friends. And they truly are. But my best friend R. and I had times together that you can't recreate with anyone, like getting on a train to see Lord of the Dance at Radio City Music Hall and thinking we would ACTUALLY get tickets... so we got them from a scalper, fifth row, orchestra, 15 minutes before the show, and we spent the first half scared to death we were going to get arrested. My heart aches when I think of that, because now she has a child, and I always thought I'd tell her kids about the crazy times we had, and now I'm struggling with mental illness, and I always thought she'd be there for me through everything. And now she's not, AND I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY. Not really.

So I know where you're at, sweets. It hurts, and it especially hurts when you're at a time of year that reminds you of them. It's OK to feel sad for a little bit... and I've been around here long enough to know that you're going to get through this. Maybe, just maybe, you're soul is helping you reorient for something Really Great.

PS I believe in you.

.: Sibeal said on February 27, 2005 09:38 PM :: link it :.

Thanks for ruining The Village for me. :-) It gets better trust me, just keep your head up and it will get better. It's like I told you this weekend inbetween the fighting over whether or not the Boy Scouts are the breeding ground of Satan (Satan as in the devil guy with the horns, not to be confused with your ex boyfriend who is just a dick). It could always be worse; you could have only one leg.

.: Russell said on February 28, 2005 01:32 PM :: link it :.

next time i am in Houston we will hang, because i get tired of the boy on vacation.... and because it would be fun! fun! fun!

i lost a best friend, but its her own fault, she's making a lot of selfish mistakes in her life and basically turned her back on me, i am not sure why, but she did. whatever her reasons, its really shitty and to top it off we work together, right next to each other, but she has excluded me from her life for at least a year, if not more. and to top it off she was pissed because i did not jump up and down at her engagement news (which is probably the biggest selfish act of engagement i have ever witnessed... but thats besides the point). At first i was really angry because we did share a lot of great times together, but then i realised that if she is willing to act better than i am because she has a diamond and a loveless relationship, well, then she probably was never really a friend. My REAL best friend lives in Seattle, and thats the one that breaks my heart... and luckily i met my boyfriend and thats been going swell and we are getting closer every day of our relationship. I went through the whole funk thing, but its good that you are getting out, it will help you in the end... you will meet people and build bonds. and someday i might be a Yankee Texan and i will need all the friends i can get on my side! You are too sweet, it will all work itself out. and next time i come down there, you have to let me in on this El Orbits thing!

.: cat said on March 1, 2005 11:12 AM :: link it :.

*hugs* thanks for your comment on my site too. It's tough being lonely.

.: syd said on March 1, 2005 11:47 AM :: link it :.

I can totally relate to you here. I had someone I considered a good friend just up and decide she didn't want to be my friend anymore. No explanation, no nothing. She just got nasty and turned on me so fast it left my head spinning. Funny thing was, this was how she was with a mutual friend of ours before that. I don't know why I was so surprised, but it just hurt. I finally felt as though I had someone close to me again and bam.

I know in time you'll find your footing again. Until then, I hope you find some peace.

.: Daisyhead said on March 1, 2005 12:50 PM :: link it :.

You're too early! Come back at February 27, 2005 02:39 AM to see this post.

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